The Stuttering Beginning
I am not the most focused person–unless there is a project that requires my attention, by which I mean I will be fired or divorced if I don’t complete it, I tend to dawdle about between various projects until they bore more, are completed, or become difficult in some unpleasant, unexpected manner.
That being said, I am still a moderately productive person–at least, I think I am if you are willing to count the sum total of work completed across my various projects, one might be able to successfully argue the position. But at times, I think the sheer volume of projects serves to intentionally distract me from some larger goal. Now, this is somewhat of a falsehood because I really can’t focus on a single thing at a time and need space and time to move between creative works to not feel overwhelmed by them, but at times I’ve found my methods to be distracting.
The most recent example of that comes to mind is a recent attempt to clean my garage where instead of organizing the bulk of the clutter that is strewn about, I instead decide to inventory two large boxes of Hallmark ornaments I picked up at auction a year back.
Now, don’t get me wrong, those ornaments need to be inventoried and sold/donated/hung-on-Christmas-trees. But when the goal is to clean the garage as a whole, that side project, while inherently more interesting and financially rewarding than cleaning the garage is really just a way of distracting myself from some thing that I don’t want to do. At least, as far as my self-psychoanalysis can figure.
Perhaps Approaching The Actual Point
I guess what I’m trying to get out with all of this is that I am aware that sometimes, I distract myself with smaller projects in order to put off the larger, perhaps more painful, ones. This is in part because of some dis/ability of my mind that makes it difficult to focus on a single task for too long (call it what you will), but there is a degree of resistance to discomfort within this behavior as well–at least certain kinds of discomfort, as well as some kind of behavior that, while not necessarily self-sabotaging, isn’t really in my best interest.
When You’re In Your Bigger Room
There’s this White Stripes song, “Little Room” that sums up my problem nicely, I think:
Well you’re in your little room
and you’re working on something good
but if it’s really good
you’re gonna need a bigger room
and when you’re in the bigger room
you might not know what to do
you might have to think of
how you got started
sitting in your little room
When I first heard that song, I was still in a little room, drunk-hammering out short stories on a Smith-Corona type writer that was difficult to find ribbon for and fairly idiotic to use, considering all of the benefits of word-processing software. But the thing was, I was convinced that I was working on something good, and, at least as far as my life goes, I was working on something good. But I lost something along the way. I got to my bigger room, and I couldn’t remember what is was that had gotten me there, or why I ended up there in the first place–what the goal was, what I actually wanted to achieve.
I’ve been a bit sidetracked. I am cutting some business ventures to invest more heavily in the creation and acquisition of online properties and content. I sold my Raremtg.com site and inventory to a friend for $2000.00. I will hopefully be able to pay my taxes in cash this year and spend the rest of the year focusing on my writing and the development of various online ventures that don’t require my involvement with physical goods.